Monday, February 16, 2009


Greetings you spam ridden horse jockeys! Time for an update dontchathink?

Let's face it. The Americans don't want me. My sweet ass visa ran out yet again and this globetrotter was returned to his place of origin - the fjord loaded mountain vale of Norway. Trying to adapt to waking up with permafrost on my face is making me feel as out of place as an abortion in the life of the OctoMom. But hey, some punishment is in order after coasting through a winter in California that passes for summer anywhere else. As for the last three months in the US - I totally nailed them! If by nailed you mean procrastinated away and by totally you mean knowingly. I've been repeatedly asked what I was really doing over there and I'm trying to compile a list of the more interesting happenings that took place. It's more or less the randomest selection money can buy, and you're getting it for free.

It starts:

1. Thanksaroini in Josharoony!

The obesity I deserved after this years Thanksgiving was obscene. What has become an annual excuse to binge with no remorse for an already corpulent US nation, has now become the favorite holiday for one very gastronomically satisfied Norwegian. This year’s smorgasbord took place in a shack on the dry, cacti-zitted face of Joshua Tree. In a rehabilitated shack with fire pits all around, me and 6 friends fought the cold of the desert night armed only with skimpy clothes and hypothetical layers of beer force fields.

As some of you may know, turkey - the fowl - has something in it called L-tryptophan which apparently causes sleepiness. Combined with wine that only causes rowdiness the night ended early. In my defense it is difficult to tell time in desert rat territory as the darkness is all-consuming and the stars come out to play like nothing I've ever seen. To give you a perspective of the night sky out there:

It was thistimes like a 1000 or something!!

2. Funkaholics Autonomous

We grovel at the feet of the groove gods. Every Tuesday. Accomplice Tommy Nine Tones and I - MC Gyver, that's M.C. play the dusty spoils of once a great genre. The night, know as Cheap Soul, still thrives even in my absence at La Cita, place of beer and Mexican Christmas lights. Go there and tear the roof of the mothersucka.

3. Illusions of grandeur

So, I got into Magic Castle which is teh awesome. My friend Daniel borrowed me his suit and a chance to be puzzled for a lifetime. I've always thought magic was reserved for those with beards shaped like lightning and serpent walking sticks. I was wrong. Something happens to you when you see a hundred dollar bill end up inside an unpealed lemon. When a man's suit changes color from black to red and he proceeds to steal a tie off of a magazine ad you are in a different world where logic does not apply, much like sex at 17. Dazzled by these underdog mind benders I will never refer to this side of the entertainment industry as corny ever again. It is in fact fibery and nutritious.

I guess one of the rules of the club is to never talk about it. But I happened upon one of the less magicy but none the less entertaining acts of the night on BFF Youtube. There ain't nothing wrong with showing a little - right!? Despite Letterman's meh attitude towards the guy (did he offend him in the dressing room or something??) he puts on a jovial show for the whole fam to enjoy! I give you The Spring Snake Symphony!

To think that this blurb was inspired by the fact that I got one new reader comment! THANK YOU STRANGER! Hopefully I'll remember more about these 3 months... I should really buy some OMEGA-3 and jumpstart this noggin. Till next time lovers!


mighty jo said...

if you cant account for your time spent here in the usa--just say you were "being american" & that will justify a lack of growth/experience/significant findings....
wait...does that sound jaded?

Lurenwist said...

That sounds about right. And what a wonderful feeling it is.

JonaTron said...

i assure you, america does in fact want you...

nina b said...

awawwww my turcky!!